My Fiancée Hates Me novel Chapter 100

I am always saved by this person...Whenever I am experiencing any troubles or doubt, he is always there right beside me like a guardian Angel.

Garett led me to the medical sickbay and had me sit on a chair while he looked around for medicine. After finding a small container, Garett grabbed a chair before scooting towards me.

I found him exceedingly close from how our knees were touching each other. I could not look at him straight in the eye, so I kept my gaze lowered, but then realized that I was staring at our interlocked legs and felt even more embarrassed at the situation. In the end, I just chose to tightly shut my eyes.

"Why does it seem like you are bracing yourself?" Garett asked as he opened the salve container.

I snapped my eyes open.

I remembered back to those days where I had to practice dancing with Garett in my first life. He would always ruthlessly step on my toes if I ever accidentally stepped on his feet. He was rarely ever kind to me in those days.

"...I am ready!" I said strongly as I braced myself.

"This will hurt a bit," Garett said as he slathered the ointment over my cheek.

Instead of pain, I felt my cheek slowly grow numb and cool with his every touch. He then lightly taped a bandage with dressing over my cheek.

Garett is a terrible liar...

"You seem to always appear when I am trouble," I said quietly.

He looked at me in surprise. He then lowered his gaze and narrowed his eyes.

"...It is guilt. Everything bad that has happened to you is all my fault. All of your suffering is my doing. Even with Queen Gaelle turning out that way is all because of me...I help you because I want to lessen my own guilt," Garett said as he laced his fingers over his lap.

I feel miserable...and not because of my cheek.

When I look at Garett, I feel confused about my own feelings. I am Erik's fiancée and his wife of our past lives. I am supposed to love him above all others, yet I continuously hold doubts over my future relationship with Erik.

"I feel miserable everyday...I cannot remember half of my memories and I barely remember you, yet my heart mysteriously yearns for you. The people who know me well will not tell me anything about my missing memories. All I can do is just wait for these memories that may or may never return. I feel alone all of the time. It feels like there is an everlasting void in my heart that is slowly swallowing me up. I cannot stand. Tell me how I can fill this void," I said as I held my hand over my throbbing heart.

"...I am sorry, but I cannot be the one to fill that void," Garett said indifferently as he left me alone in the sickbay.

When I first opened my eyes, I rejected this person. The next time I saw him, he rejected me.

For these past few weeks, I have found that this Garett is a little different from the one I used to know. He is much more caring and kinder than the one in my memories. As oblivious as I usually am to my own feelings, I am aware that I am subconsciously attracted to this person even if it is incredibly immoral when I have a loving fiancé like Erik.

I thought that he might help me recover my memories when I decided to lay out my feelings for the first time. In the end, my gamble failed. I was rejected yet again even though I had revealed my deepest and darkest secret to him. They were feelings that I could not even dare convey to my own fiancé out of fear that my thoughts would ruin everything. Now, I am still just as miserable or even more miserable than before talking to him.

Having missing parts of my memory is so inconvenient...It feels as if I am dancing to another's tune. In this case, I am dancing around myself who has lived this life and undeniably...ruined everything around me as well as for me.

I went home a little while later. I told my parents that I had fallen down the stairs when they saw the injury over my cheek. After having an awkward dinner, I went to my personal Library and read a few books on retrieving one's memory.

Some suggested ways were to reenact the scenes of the last memory that was perceived. That last memory consisted of me killing myself. The only other option I had was taking a drug that could lead to my own mental breakdown.

I feel like I am getting further left behind each day...and that is one of the loneliest feelings I had ever experienced before.

I was now at a point where I was desperate to regain what I had lost.

If I drink the drug, there is a possibility that I might lose all sense of reasoning. If I were to try stabbing my chest, I would surely die.

...What if I were able to stimulate the feeling of my own death?

From my nightstand, I took out the dagger I kept out of my way for a long time. It was maybe the second time I unsheathed it ever since I got it as a gift from my father. When I saw my own refection in the blade, I realized how haggard I looked.

After being constantly rejected and receiving almost no help from anyone on retrieving my lost memories, I was slowly losing hope from how even the only memories I currently had seemed murkier each day.

If this continues, I am going to lose my mind anyways...At the very least, I want to be in charge of my own destiny.

I held the blade perpendicular to my wrist as I stared up at the beautiful moon and starry sky.

"...All of these stars are still in the sky, yet I still feel all alone."

My wrist became covered in a crimson color that dripped to the floor and created a mirror reflection of the night sky and a Crimson Moon.