My Fiancée Hates Me novel Chapter 104

I fell into a deep sleep. During that time, I slowly regained bits and pieces of my memories of my second life. My memories seemed to play back as if I were flipping through the pages of a book. The contents were filled with sad as well as happy memories. Those were exactly the memories I was longing to remember.

They soon led up the I woke up in the hospital after the bookcase fell on me and saw Garett. I saw the face of true relief on Garett's face, yet the bitter memory of me witnessing the desecration of Garett's dead body popping into my mind up all of a sudden, released all of my pent-up aggression onto Garett.

I ended up lashing at him and calling him a fake and imposter...

I hated myself for saying such hurtful words to him.

Garett had been struggling with being called an imposter his whole life because of his origins. When I said those things, I was just rubbing salt on his wounds. Even after all of that, he still looked genuinely more concerned for my wellbeing despite all of my screaming at him.

When I woke up, I saw that very same face of relief on Garett's barren face. His face was unhidden by his glasses and revealed his tear-stricken face. It was a first time in both lives that I had seen such a face covered in tears.

"...Arielle, you are finally awake," Garett said.

I felt my hands being gripped when he said that.

"Garett?" I said in surprise as I took my hand back.

"Are you in any pain or discomfort right now?" Garett asked.

"...Not necessarily," I answered.

"Good...Now, I am going to scold you," Garett said as he took in a deep breath.

"Scold?"

"You are a fool, Arielle Maddox! How could you take a suspicious drug and forego the directions on the prescription? Do you know what the people around you went through to find you a Doctor who could help you? Why is it that you must become a regular guest as a patient? Are you a masochist? Do you like hurting yourself so often? Why don't you think of the people around you for once, you self-sacrificial girl!" Garett said in one breath.

I was surprised to have been nagged like this for the first time in my life.

"...I'm sorry," I said weakly.

"As you should be!" Garett said.

"...Why are you here?" I asked.

"Charlotte Castile said that you had hurt yourself because of me and that I needed to come over to apologize to you. When I came over to see you, everyone was panicking because you were vomiting blood from something you drank. The Prince told me that you drank a memory enhancing drug but was unsure of the contents. I had read some articles on the base plant used for the drug. It had been illegal for some time, so research on it was banned until now. Thankfully, the base plant had not changed, and so we were able to treat your symptoms rather swiftly. If it had been any longer, it could have been fatal," Garett explained.

"Thank you for saving me," I said as I tried sitting up.

Garett said that he hated me...Does he still feel that way now? If it was a lie, why did he say such a thing?

"...I hate it," Garett said.

"Hate?"

"I hate how you are always hurting yourself for that Prince. Over and over again, you hurt yourself and end up in a sorry state like this. One day, you are going to end up dead! Is that man worth dying for?" Garett asked.

I did end up dying already. This is my second life, but it seems almost as wretched as the first one.

"...Yes," I answered.

"Darn it, Arielle! There is no cure for idiocy! Do you know how painful dying is?" Garett asked.

"...I do. I know very well the pain of dying almost more than anyone else. I know very well of the hopelessness, the despair, and the loneliness of watching people around me dying one by one," I said as I began crying. "I have suffered though it all alone again and again! No one could understand my pain of watching everything burn to flames as I watch my loved ones leave me one by one! No one tried to console me even when I was screaming in pain every day!"

"What are you talking about, Arielle?" Garett asked.

I calmed down after hearing his voice and took a deep breath.

"I am not perfect...I am definitely not a kind or benevolent person. I am a terribly selfish girl. I have made mistakes, hurt many people, and even killed people with my own hands. Even so, nothing could fill the void I had of losing people I cared for. If I have to continue watching other people get hurt because of me, I would rather take on all of the pain myself. I have experienced the pain of loss enough. Why do I have to lose my reason for my pain too? It is like I suffered for nothing," I said.

"Arielle, no one will understand you if you never say anything," Garett said.

"How could I say anything?" I asked.

I was constantly suffering...quietly enduring the pain of performing the role I was meant to play.

The other you always told me that we were all born into certain roles that we all needed to perform. The one I was meant to play was that of Erik's fiancée and yours was that of Erik's Advisor. The other you always ridiculed me and told me that I was unfit as Erik's fiancée. That made me want to work harder to gain your approval as well as working on improving my relationship with Erik. I eventually fell in love again and gave my all into supporting Erik as his fiancée. He then confused me by telling me he had feelings for me and then saying that it was all a joke as if he liked playing with my heart.

Even then, I promised myself that I would devote myself to Erik. I could not take the risk to break off my engagement with Erik to be with someone who I did not know even loved me back, nor could I tell anyone about my immoral feelings towards someone who was not my fiancé. I was hurting internally, yet Garett thought using such teasing words would not affect me in the least when it hurt me more than his blatant insults towards me.

I hated his ignorance towards my feelings and him constantly pushing me towards being a better fiancé to Erik. Even on my wedding day with Erik, he decided to leave right before it. It was as if all of his actions told me that he did not love or care for me. What little hope I had for my feelings to be returned had shattered. I then forced myself to fall in love with Erik.

"...Is hurting yourself the only answer?" Garett asked.

"...I had been coddled by everyone around me. Whatever pain I experience from now on would be minuscule if you compare it to the pain they felt. My hard work paid off so far," I answered.

"Are you going to continue hurting yourself until you are satisfied?" Garett asked.

"Anything is better than living in regret of having lost something I will never get back," I answered.

"...I don't understand why you act so desperate over everything," Garett said.

Why am I so desperate? Why do I have to endure everything by myself?

It is all because I am punishing myself for being such a foolish person...

"...Why did you have to die? Why was it that I had to learn about your true feelings right before you died in my place? Why did you save the deplorable me who could only rely on others to make decisions for her? Why did you leave me such a painful memory without even a proper goodbye? Why...Why?" I asked as I buried my head into my hands.

I understand that this Garett has no memories of my past life together, but the questions I that I always wanted to ask are suddenly pouring out of me along with the feelings I kept bottled up.

"After dying in my stead, I was left with an incredibly cold and bitter heart. I hurt and killed many people while wallowing in my misery of your death. I thought that I would be free of the misery once I purged the kingdom of the same people who had hurt you. In the end, revenge did not ease my heart one bit. It only added to my list of regrets. What I wanted most was unachievable...Even if I turned the kingdom upside down, I could not bring the people I love back. I was willing to accept any punishment if it meant that I could write over my mistakes," I said as I lifted my head from my hands.

When time turned back, I thought that it was my chance to make things right. The only things I have been doing only consisted of me living in my own vanity. I lived the way I wanted, said the things that I always wanted to say, and built a relationship with the person I always wanted to be with.

In truth, that was all just me being selfish and trying to live a life outside my role but still clung to Garett's ideals in trying to right all of my mistakes, starting with saving Erik from demise. Protecting him gave me purpose as well as gave me an excuse that my decisions warranted my actions.

Just my existence brings people pain and misfortune...

Garett sacrificed himself for such a wretched girl who he was not sure even loved him.

"...I hate you so much. If you were going to leave my heart in so much disarray, I wish you never stepped in my life to begin with," I said as I clenched my fists.

All of these bitter feelings were directed at the Garett whom I could not and will never be able to speak to again...