Now and Forever novel Chapter 50

She died.

My mom- my birth giver, died.

She deserved so much respect than I gave her the day of her funeral. Everyone was crying but me. Who even does that?

She died and I've been trying so hard to avoid that fact.

But it's the truth and I have to accept it.

Last week's... event.. was well.. horrible.. and it made me realize how much I would've needed my mom if he finished what he'd started but she isn't here. She's gone.

Why did I try so hard to avoid feeling the grief and pain that came along with her death you may ask? It's because I wanted to be strong for everyone one else; dad, Sophie and even Bella.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Lucas wiped what seemed like a tear off my cheek and smiled when I looked at him. He really was the cutest little thing in the world..

Why would anyone want to leave- abandon him just like that? The world is really full of horrible people..

Alexander has been.. supportive? He comes home from work and ask if 'I'd eaten anything' to which I'd reply with a 'yes' or a nod, he'd also ask if I 'needed anything from the store' and if I did I'd tell him or if I didn't I would say no.

That's it. Those are the only sentences he'd say to me. He'd also keep an eye on Lucas while I had a little time to myself for things like cooking -not really my own time but still helps when a two year old isn't clinging too your leg- showering and cleaning.

He wouldn't look at me- okay not in the way I would want him to look at me..

He wouldn't look below my neck when talking to me and that really made me insecure. Like, was I getting fat already??? Was I not sexy anymore- I don't know if I ever was but you get the point!

Back to Alexander... he would go to work after I'd woken up and would come back before I went to bed. It was kind of sweet but I still felt lonely. All I had was Lucas, I hadn't even told Bella about him because I don't think Alexander would want that- I'll only tell her when he says it's okay.

I wonder when that'll be...

"Milia?" Lucas looked down, suddenly looking all shy and nervous, "Hmm?" I lifted him up and put him in my lap, stroking his hair when he'd gotten comfortable.

"Are you my mommy?" What? Hold on- pause. Repeat??

What do I say?? Should I say yes? What if Jessica comes back?? Should I say no? What if I break his little heart?? Oh god... what do I do???

The door opened -thank god- and I pulled my attention away from Lucas as did he. And as expected, Alexander walked in and my heart sped up. I have some serious problems...

"Did you have lunch?" Hello to you too.. I nodded, "did you take your vitamins?" That's a new one.. I nodded again.1

He curtly nodded and walked off somewhere into the closet. I was literally wearing a tube top and he didn't look down one bit... I wore this obnoxiously uncomfortable top for no freaking reason.

Maybe I really was not 'sexy' anymore.. but do I care what he thinks? Oh hell no! Let him try being pregnant.. okay, who am I trying to convince? I obviously care what he thinks when he looks at me.

Damn, loving someone really is painful... wait- NO. Did I just- holy shit! Oh my god oh my god oh my god- what the actual fuck?!

"Milia?" Lucas brought me back from my internal battle, "yes?" I tried to suppress the fact that I just said the 'l' word and continued stroking his hair.

"Are you my mommy?" He didn't forget? What am I supposed to tell him now? I looked at the door, waiting for some kind of distraction but it never came.

"No Lucas, I'm not you're mommy, Jessica is," his face fell and his lip started quivering, "but I'm your mama," I smiled when a huge grin spread across his cute face, a huge dimple appearing on his cheek.

There's really no difference between those two words but he's two, he doesn't know any better...

The door opened and as if Lucas knew what was coming next, he crawled off my lap and got on the floor- with my help of course- Mingo secured in his arm.

When they left, I sighed and fell back on the bed.

Should I call Bella? Yes- no? I'm gonna call her.

"Hello?" She sounded breathless when she picked up the phone after three rings, "I love him," why did it feel so wrong yet so right to say that out loud?

"Pardon- would you just wait a second!" She shouted at someone else before returning her attention back to me, "you what?"

"I think I love him," I sighed and rolled over to my side, "you think or you know- stop it!"

"Err... are you busy? I can call-"

"I'll be there after work!" she announced, "wait no- hello?" I sat up when the line went dead.

This is not good. This is not good at all. She's going to see Lucas. What if Lucas does not want to be seen? What if Lucas's father doesn't want him to be seen? Oh god.

The doorbell rang and my ears perked up at this. There's no way Bella could have been here in 5 minutes.

"Alexis? What-"

"Nice top, really like your baby bump as well."

"Okay then... hi-"

"Aren't you going to invite me in..?" I sighed and opened the door wider for her to come in, "what're-"

"Did you guys buy new furniture? It really-"

"Alexis-"

"I really like this vase, can I have it?"

"What? No-"

"But you guys have so many," she whined as she made her way to the kitchen, me following behind, "fine! You can have it, what are-"

"Do you have-"

"Alexis!" What is up with her??

"Hmm?" She replied but continued rummaging through the fridge, "what are you doing here?" I asked quickly before she interrupted me again.

"Oh I live here now," she said oh so casually and took out the milk, "what-"

"Why do you guys have so many colorful divided plastic plates-"

"You can't just-"

"You have sippy cups as well? I've always wanted to use a sippy cup-"

"You can't!" I rushed over to her side and took the yellow cup out of her hand and put it back where she'd gotten it.

"Lucky Charms!"

"ALEXIS!" I bellowed and this seemed to fortunately get her attention, "what are you doing here?" I took the box of lucky charms out of her hand and set it on the countertop.

She looked at me for a few seconds, contemplating on whether to tell me or not, "fine," she sighed and made her way over to the kitchen island.

"I need to stay here- just got a short while though," she started off, "why?" I pushed when she didn't give a reason.

"It's because... it's because of Tony," I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms, "what did Tony do?"

"It's about what I did," she sighed and buried her head in her hands, "what did you-"

"Mama?" What- oh right! Wait- what's he doing down here???

Alexis' ears perked up at this and we both looked at the kitchen door, "who's kid is that and why does he call you mama?" Alexis whispered when Lucas waddled his way over to where I was standing, holding his hands up so I could carry him.

Just as I had put him on my hip, Alexander appeared at the doorway, freezing when he saw Alexis. My heart started beating faster- stupid..

Well this is awkward...

"I'll start dinner," I whispered to no one in particular and disappeared into the pantry, Lucas still on the hip.

***

"I can't believe it," Alexis whispered, looking at Lucas coloring away on a paper, "I mean, he looks like him but I can't believe it- and why didn't that bitch Jessica tell us about him??" I shrugged and switched off the stove, leaving the pot on for the spaghetti to stay hot.

"Why come after two whole years later? God I have so many questions..." she groaned and rested her head on her arms, still looking at Lucas intently. Who doesn't?

"Mama I'm done!" I walked over to where he was sitting, far away from the stove and picked up his paper, "what is this?" I asked after failing at guessing what he'd made.

"It's a tree!" Oh, "wow Lucas, it's really pretty," now I can see the smudges of green and brown here and there.

"How about I put it on the fridge?" I smiled and he vigorously shook his head yes, a huge grin spreading across his face.

I stuck the picture onto the fridge before turning my attention back to Alexis who just looked at me with a smile on her face, "what?"

"You're such a good mom," I rolled my eyes playfully before getting the plates.

"Would you please take this up to Alexander for me?" I smiled sweetly at Alexis, a tray of food and water in my hands, "why doesn't he just come down here?" She furrowed her eyebrows but took the tray nonetheless.

"I'll go get that," I quickly shuffled over to where my phone was ringing I the countertop and picked it up before Alexis could say anything else, "yeah?" I picked up when the caller I.D read 'Bella'.

"I'm so so so sorry!"

"For what?" I looked back at Lucas to make sure he wasn't anywhere he could hurt himself, "I said I'd be there but-"

"It's okay Bella," it's more than okay actually, "really? Wait- why?" I chuckled before answering, "it's just okay, do I need to have a reason?"

"Uhh.. yes! You need-"

"Okay bye! Love you!" I blew a kiss into the phone before ending the phone call.

"Are you and Alexander okay?" Alexis asked and stuffed her mouth with another forkful of spaghetti, "yes, why?" I diverted my attention away from her and back to Lucas.

"You're lying," she stated, "what makes you think we're not?" I asked a question of my own, ignoring her statement, "first of all; he isn't eating down here with you-"

"He's busy-"

"Too busy to spare what? Less than twenty minutes of his time to come eat with you and Lucas?" To be honest, I also don't know why he was avoiding me..

"We're fine-"

"Who're you trying to convince, me or you?" I don't know.

"What did you do to Tony-"

"Nope! Nuh-Uh! You're not going to change the conv-"

"What do you want me to say? That my husband doesn't look at me the same way he did since before I almost got raped? That he doesn't say more than seven words in a sentence to me? That he doesn't sleep I'm the same bed as me because he's disgusted by me? That he doesn't think I'm sexy anymore?" I said all at once, tears picking at the back of my eyes.

"What?" Alexis stood up and walked over to where I was sitting, "I even wore this," I motioned down to my shirt, "just to see if he'd look at me the way he did before- newsflash: he didn't, I'm so pathetic."

"You're not pathetic," she rubbed my arm, trying to make me feel better but it all fell on deaf ears.

"Tony and I.. we used to.. we used to be friends with benefits as you would put it..." I raised an eyebrow, "friends with benefits?" I repeated and took a bite of my own food.

"Mm-Hmm.. and one day, I got pregnant," hold on- what?? "You what?" Did I hear right?

"I got pregnant and my parents weren't too happy about it. So I did the worst possible thing you could do to a man," she didn't.. "I blamed him for taking advantage of me while I was drunk-" she stopped, her voice cracked and a tear escaped from her eye, "I blamed him of rape and so he got arrested. He got out after 11 months -a year basically- two years ago and hadn't been seen since then- at least not until a few months ago," I don't know if I should comfort her- one thing I know for sure, it was a horrible thing what she did to Tony.

"Do you feel guilty for what you did?"

"It keeps me up all night every night- I can't even go to sleep without taking sleeping meds," she sighed and pushed her plate away.

At least she's feeling guilty?

"Have you apologized to Tony for that?"

"Yes- no, somehow..? Does sending apology letters count?" I guess so...? "So you haven't apologized in person?" She shook her head no and put her head down on the table.

"How are you avoiding him by coming here?"

"He always comes to visit Audrey everyday- he'd sometimes come for sleepovers on the couch and I don't want to talk to him," okay then.. "you can stay," she lifted her head off the table, "I only need one favor."

"Anything."

***

I looked at the red sheer babydoll lingerie with delicate lace cups, sealed with a statement bow at the empire waist. It had unlined wireless triangle cups and it came with a matching thong panty.

I slipped it on and looked at my self in the mirror.

Am I really going to do this? Yes. No. Wait- what?? I'm so indecisive it hurts oh god...

I think I'm going to do it. No I'm not.

I continued looking at myself in the full body mirror, contemplating on whether to continue with my plan.

Ugh fuck it! I'm not doing shut tonight.

Just as I was about to pull the thin clothing off my body, the door opened.