Sinful Mates 1-3 novel Chapter 117

　　Evelyn’s POV

　　Four years, it’s been four years since I escaped that house of horrors and yet the memories have come back to plague me, hanging over my head like a dark cloud. Four years I have shoved it to the back of mind, yet now it has come back with a vengeance. Making me relive every minute. Was it because of that night in the alleyway? Did that undo everything I worked so hard to suppress? I have always suffered with anxiety, always found my way back from it. But now my walls were crumbling, and I was killing myself trying to rebuild them back to the way they were.

　　Everything I worked so hard to leave behind me now coming forth in the worst way possible. Haunting not only my mind but my body. Panic attacks, something that becomes crippling, the feeling of complete dread threatening to consume you, make you believe it is the end and sometimes, I wish it were. At least I wouldn’t have to suffer through another, at least I wouldn’t have to relive my past. At least I wouldn’t have to remember again if it all ended. The nightmares haunting my sleep; the memories haunting me when I am awake a never-ending cycle. It scared me to sleep, scared to hear him creeping into my room, scared to sense the doom that came when he did. The dreams felt real, felt like it was happening. It didn’t matter that I was safe away from him, in those moments he might as well have been doing it all over again. Three days now I have been awake. I felt like a zombie. My body on autopilot, yet my mind was reliving a nightmare. I was tired, so tired. I just wanted rest, but I knew even in my sleep there was no rest.

　　I had been staring at this TV for three days. Too scared to move, Orion just sitting watching with me. Yawning, I stretch, my muscles aching from sitting and my back and neck cracking from sitting in the cramped position I was in. I feel Orion watching me as I walk into the kitchen, feel his eyes on my back, boring holes into me. I was nearly out of pills again, only four left in the bottle, and the panicked feeling of knowing I was going to run out crept over me.

　　They helped me relax, numbed me to everything around me. Feeling his presence behind me, I look over my shoulder and see him leaning on the counter. “You need to sleep. If you just sleep you will feel better” Easy for him to say he doesn’t suffer through the nightmares. Rolling my eyes at him. I bring the pill bottle to my lips, dropping the four pills in my mouth. Maybe he is right, maybe if I could just sleep even for an hour, I would feel better. My body was exhausted, and I felt sick and uneasy. Orion snatches the pill bottle from my hand, but he is too late. I had already swallowed them.

　　“They won’t hurt me. They aren’t strong enough to kill me,” I tell him, but he eyes me carefully. I have been on these pills for three years now. I know what I can handle and have taken more than the prescribed dose before. They just make me sleepy and numb. I may be many things but never suicidal. Although sometimes I have entertained the idea, I would never do that, because that means even after all these years he would still have control. Even though he is dead, I would never give him that satisfaction knowing he destroyed me.

　　Walking up the stairs, I head for the bathroom wanting to shower. Orion following me up as he always does. He usually sits on the basin watching me, or sometimes he hops in. I am comfortable in his presence and find him being near relaxing. I can’t explain it. Orion tried saying it was the bond. I feel comfortable around Thaddeus and Ryland, but with Orion I feel safest. Stripping off, I turn the water on and hop in. Only instead of Orion, Thaddeus, and Ryland step into the shower. I look at them, worried. I know they won’t hurt me, yet Thaddeus always makes me feel uneasy and Ryland’s eyes always roam, making me feel uncomfortable.

　　“Where is Orion?” I ask, my voice sounds slurred and both of them stare at me for a few seconds.

　　“He went to get your medication,” Ryland answers, studying me as I lean heavily on the wall. The pills were kicking in, my muscles relaxing, and I was starting to feel like melting jelly. I shower quickly, knowing I need to get downstairs before I can barely walk. Stepping out, I wrap my towel around me and walk into the bedroom, but now even dressing felt like a major task that I am not up for. Forcing my limbs to move, I grab one of their shirts, slipping it on before walking out and heading for the stairs. Gripping the bannister tightly as I feel myself stumble, keeping myself upright. Ryland moves to me.

　　“Don’t touch me,” I tell him, and he puts his hands up in surrender but lingers as I descend the stairs. I flop heavily on the lounge, a giggle escaping my lips at the rush of falling. I must look mad, but I don’t care. My face and limbs going numb but my mind awake and alert as I roll on my side facing the TV. Not really watching but the pictures help, the voices that sound like a soft murmur barely reaching my ears as I zone out staring blankly at the TV. Time slipping me by.

　　I don’t know how much time passes, but Thaddeus eventually leaves me, and I finally relax knowing he is gone. Minutes ticking by slowly as I lose track of time. My eyes become heavy as I fight sleep, panic kicking in, and I realise I shouldn’t have taken the pills. I need sleep, but the thought scares me. Panic seizing me as I stumble to the kitchen. My mouth felt so dry, leaving an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I drop the glass into the sink when I try to fill it, picking it up again, clutching it with both hands only to drop it again. My fingers are still numb, and I give up, resorting to just drinking straight from the tap.

　　Walking back to the couch, I flop back down wondering when Orion will be back. Ryland wakes as I sit on the couch, his eyes snapping open. I can see how tired he is.

　　“Go to bed,” I yawn while speaking.

　　“I will when you do,” he says yawning, making me yawn. Who ever said yawning was contagious was correct? Thaddeus walks downstairs, sitting next to me before retrieving the remote. He flicks through the channels before growling when the only thing on is infomercials. He drops his back on the couch and I watch him. He seems tired too and his aura feels electrified. Even Ryland looks at him worriedly, feeling the vibe he is giving off.

　　“Go get some sleep, I will wait with her till Orion comes back,” he says rubbing Thaddeus thigh. Thaddeus shakes his head.

　　“I can’t the bed feels empty,” he murmurs pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He growls before turning to me, a glare on his face.

　　“You need to sleep, why do you keep fighting it?”

　　I ignore him. For days they have asked the same question. At least when Orion is here, he doesn’t ask. Just leaves me be.

　　“I want to go home, I was fine till I came here,” I tell him, and he growls louder, making my heart rate pick up and thump erratically in my chest.

　　“Come, I will lay with you till you fall asleep,” Ryland says to him. Thaddeus sighs before getting up, and I feel bad knowing I am the reason they remain awake. Yet if they dreamed the things I did, they wouldn’t want to sleep either, but I can’t tell them that. Can’t let them find out what I did. I will only relive what he did, what I did. I wasn’t proud of it. I did what I had to but at what cost? Was I any better than the monsters I now live with?

　　Ryland and Thaddeus head upstairs, and I find myself staring off blankly for a while before I try to rest my eyes. They felt dry and sore. Closing them for a few seconds, I let myself drift. My mind slipping into unconsciousness. The dream always starting the way it always did. The creak of stairs, the top step was always loudest and creaked under any weight. I tug the blanket around myself, praying he walks past my door, letting out a breath when I hear his steps move past to his bedroom. Relief flooding me. He always touched me from the first night I moved in with them. Fear paralysing me each time, and I blamed myself for it. For being weak and not fighting back. After that night he would always sneak in and never do more than grope me, touch me. But that night, I heard him walk past the door, and relief flooded into me thinking I would finally get rest.

　　Only I heard him stop. Not hearing his door click shut made me hold my breath. His footsteps returned, getting louder. The twist of my doorknob as it turned forever engraved in my head.

　　The smell of bourbon filled the room, and I felt like I could’t breathe. I know he is standing next to my bed, and I feel dread creep into me, feel his eyes roaming over every inch of my covered body. Only this time he doesn’t touch me. No, this time he does something way worse, something so painful I feel my heart break into a thousand pieces. My soul shattering, my fear paralysing me for a second until I feel him removing everything. I start to struggle, but he is so heavy, and I am small and trapped beneath him. My fear consumes me when I hear his voice next to my ear. “Struggle and Lana is next. You don’t want me to hurt little Lana, now do you?”

　　My mind goes to her in the room a few doors down. She got here a week after me. She was ten; I was nearly sixteen. As far as I knew, he never touched her. Lana assured me he never did when we escaped. But that night what he said paralysed me instantly when I remembered her innocent face, her blonde ringlets that hung to the middle of back and blue doe eyes. We had become close, having both grown up in foster care. We shared the same struggles, knew how lonely a place it was.

　　The thought of her made me freeze, and I watched. Praying I would pass out from the pain, praying his wife would come home and stop him. Neither happened, and I was forced to endure and watch the terrible things he did, silent tears running down my face. Minutes felt like hours but when he was done, he walked out leaving me there. My sheets turned red with the blood of my innocence; my soul bled out of me. I was used goods, nothing but filth, and I felt so dirty, so pathetic, and the shame that comes with what he did kept me silent. Shame was what stopped me from speaking out. Shame made me endure for an entire year after that, shame and fear of what he would do if I tried to stop him.

　　And right now, my dreams were forcing me to live it. I struggled to try to force myself to wake. I subconsciously knew I was dreaming, knew I wasn’t there, but the dream was sucking me in. My heart pounded in my chest when I suddenly broke out of it, sitting upright. I gasp for air. Drenched in sweat, my skin felt cold and my lungs restricting. The TV had gone into sleep mode and switched off; the place was completely dark and silent except for the erratic sound of my breathing. Looking around, I notice Orion still isn’t back. I do not know how long I was asleep for but it was probably minutes as my eyes felt like sandpaper. Getting up, I hunt for my pills before remembering I have none left. My entire body was trembling, and the dark was making me feel claustrophobic. I flick on the lights illuminating the house. Sitting on the lounge, I try to calm myself, try to ground myself.

　　I can hear movement upstairs before hearing footsteps on the stairs. Ryland must have felt my panic as he suddenly appears at the bottom of the stairs, looking alarmed and looking for the danger. His eyes fall on me and he sits on the couch furthest from me.

　　“You okay?” he asks. I can see something flicker in his eyes, something I can’t decipher. I nod.

　　“You know he can take it away?” he says making my eyes snap to his.

　　“What?” I ask, confused.

　　“Whatever happened that haunts you, Thaddeus can make it stop, make you forget,” he says.

　　I wanted to forget what I would do to forget, to erase that year from my memory. “How?” I ask.

　　“By telling him what happened, he can erase it all,” Ryland says. I shake my head; I can’t do that. I can’t let anyone know. The thought alone disgusts me and makes bile rise in my throat.

　　Ryland stands up, his entire body radiating anger, and his eyes darken. His canines protrude, and I feel fear creeping in. “You’re not the only affected by it, you realise that don’t you? You need to either deal with it or let him remove it. I can’t keep feeling what you feel, with no fucking answers, Evelyn. Every emotion you feel, I feel. Your fear, sadness, your shame, and your guilt, your fucking exhaustion. I feel it all, and it is infuriating that I can feel everything and not know what is causing it. They can feel it too through me. You are turning our fucking bond into a curse,” he yells at me.

　　I stay silent, and eventually he storms upstairs. “You think feeling it is bad, try fucking reliving it,” I scream back at him, anger bubbling through me.

　　Ryland freezes, a menacing growl escaping him before he is suddenly standing in front of me.

　　“I didn’t ask for this. You all brought me here, you brought it back. I was fine till you fucking walked into my life,” I scream at him before I hear movement upstairs again. Thaddeus’s growl making my eyes snap to the stairs. Ryland is breathing heavily and I can feel rage inside him.

　　Thaddeus appeared behind me, making me jump, the intensity of his gaze making me flinch away from him. His eyes are like storm clouds, his fangs protruding as he steps toward me. “We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong,” he says, his voice emotionless and cold. I suddenly wished Orion was back, fear consuming me as the lights flicker, something I know as his anger before he erupts. No sooner than I thought it, Orion walks in, and I instantly run to him. Anything to get away from Thaddeus. Orion grips me tightly, worried for a second as he takes in the room. I notice he is saturated, his clothes dripping wet making me step away from him as I feel the coldness seep into me, making me shiver.

　　“What’s going on?” he asks, looking at them.

　　Thaddeus calms slightly before pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Ask her, you can deal with her. I am going to bed to try to sleep,” he says before going upstairs, Ryland follows before stopping next to me. His eyes soften as he looks down at me before he pulls me to him.

　　“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and I can feel Orion's eyes on us. Tingles spread all over my body and I relax against him before placing my hand on his chest. He feels warm and as much as I hate to admit, he feels safe. They all do yet touching leads to memories and I reluctantly pull away. Ryland sighs before walking upstairs. I walk back to the couch and flick the TV on.

　　“You were gone awhile,” I tell him, and he nods before dropping a bag on the bench. He looks tired, even though I know he doesn’t sleep.

　　“I know you’re hiding something, but whatever it is, we won’t judge you for it, Evelyn. They only want to help, and you keep shoving us out,” he says before rummaging through the bag. He walks over, placing a bottle of pills in my hand.

　　“I need to shower, and you need sleep. These aren’t helping you,” he states before walking up the stairs leaving me with my thoughts. I look at the bottle before getting up and placing them on the bench. I can’t take anymore, not without the risk of overdose.

　　My clothes were wet from Orion. Deciding to go change, I walk up the stairs and rummage through the cupboard before finding another shirt and slipping it on. Hearing the shower running, I see light coming from under the door in the bedroom, casting shadows throughout the room. I open the door, stepping in before sitting on the sink. Orion has his back to me, but I know he heard me come in because he speaks.

　　“Go lay down, Evelyn, please.” I feel tears brim at his words. He sounds annoyed with me, making me feel annoyed at myself for being weak. Opening the door, I step out, intending to go back downstairs. Thaddeus rolls over, his hypnotic green eyes glowing as he watches me, making me freeze. He tosses the blanket back, and I think he is going to get up until I realise he wants me to hop in with him. I look toward the door and turn toward it, about to go downstairs, then I stop before looking back. He is still watching, waiting to see what I do, and for some reason I feel drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

　　“Please, just sleep. We won’t let anyone hurt you” he whispers.

　　He says that, but how safe am I sleeping in a bed with two monsters? Yet they feel safer than my mind does. Walking over, I climb in and feel him pull the blanket up. He rolls on his back before closing his eyes, his bare side touching my arm sending sparks up it to my neck making me relax slightly. I sit there for a few minutes and hear the shower turn off, making me sit up on my elbow looking at the door. Thaddeus shifts slightly, making my eyes look down and I see he is watching me closely. I lay back down, putting my head on his chest. He takes a breath in and I feel him relax before I feel his hand rubbing my back, my eyes getting heavier as I fall asleep.

　　Orion POV

　　Walking out of the bathroom, I slip into the walk in. Evelyn’s scent is strong in the room, and I quickly chuck some close on before going to walk out when I notice something move out of the corner of my eye on the bed. Walking over, I feel relief flood into me when I see Evelyn is asleep. Thaddeus green eyes stare up at me, and he shrugs, shocked himself. He moves over, pulling her with him and making room for me. I lay next to her, feeling relaxed. Her racing heartbeat and frantic emotions have had all of us on edge. Thaddeus the most because he hasn’t fed, and I could tell he wants to mark her. Evelyn has relaxed, and I know it’s because she is allowing him to be close to her.

　　Thaddeus is usually a man of few words. He usually takes what he wants without question or permission, yet the last few days he has been on edge wanting to force her to tell us, but each time Ryland and I have held him back. He doesn’t want to scare her, but it’s killing him not knowing. Once they fall asleep, I walk downstairs before heading to the library. I sit for a few hours reading, trying to consume my mind with anything other than Evelyn and my mates. Hours tick by and the sun comes up. I stay quiet as I walk upstairs, not wanting to wake them. Evelyn moves and Thaddeus’s grip on her tightens. She snuggles into him and I drape my arm over her and Thaddeus. Nothing felt righter than having them all in the same bed, yet I also know it won’t last.

　　Evelyn will wake, and everything will come back. Whatever it is will make her plummet. By her feelings we have a rough idea but couldn’t understand her guilt. Praying that sleep finally helps her, helps her mind clear of whatever it is. When I was in the city, I sent a message to Amara. Thaddeus will be angry when he finds out, but he will forgive me. He always does. Amara is one of his weaknesses. His little sister brings out a protective side of him, just like Evelyn does. Only she knows what he is like, and usually he distances himself from her, going years without speaking to her. Sometimes I feel his jealousy over her, jealous that she is the good one. Thaddeus tries being good, but everything he touches turns to dust by the time he is done with it. Destroys everything and he implodes on himself. He never feels the guilt of his actions, sees the repercussions of his destruction, just moves on destroying everything he comes across. He doesn’t even know what it is he is looking for, but I felt the urge to find it leave him with Evelyn by his side. This is the longest we have stayed home. Usually, we last two days max before he has us searching and moving from city to city and country to country, leaving destruction everywhere he goes.

　　Two broken people finding each other. This will either be the best thing that happens to them or worst and most destructive thing. Unfortunately, not all things broken can be fixed. No one can go back and change the past but maybe the future? I hope they can change the future, Amara always said nothing good will come of Thaddeus if he can’t find his way back, that our future is uncertain. She once said that he would be our downfall, but she never saw Evelyn in that future. I was curious to know if she could see her now. See her apart of our world or would her demise be at his hands.

　　Being pulled from my troubled thoughts when I feel her waking, feel Ryland stirring and a feeling of unease settling over him. Thaddeus eyes open as he peers down at her with a frown on his face. Her eyelids move as she watches her dreams play out. Ryland sitting up, he looks over Thaddeus his eyes resting on Evelyn. He brushes her hair from her face, and I feel her relaxing under his touch. One word slipping from her lips in her sleep.

　　“Lana.”