The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance) novel Chapter 63

People like him that did awful things. It would both fuel that wicked brain with more emotional tools and probably give him a sadistic kick. I quickly distract myself by picking up on a weird detail in what she said instead and let it go.

‘’You call him Lex? I can’t see him as a Lex somehow.’’ I try to move her onto something less raw and to the bone, distracting her instead with something menial. Only people I ever hear calling him that are his cousin and brother, it’s oddly personal. I look her up and down not sure what to make of that obvious affection, even for him she’s a bit young. She doesn’t look old enough to have even left school yet. I never pegged him for that kind, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he could be, and I just never realised it.

No better than Rick and his tastes in young girls. I find it repulsive to think of him looking at someone like her in that way, and yet I can’t ignore that tiny bite of jealousy, stupidly.

‘‘I’ve known him my whole life, I consider him like an honorary uncle or even like an older brother, he can be intimidating sometimes but I like him.’’ No hint of a lie, the kid is smitten in a family connected way—innocent and naïve. She’s clearly deranged but clearly NOT sexually connected. Knowing that she sees him as family makes me feel better, immediately relieved even if there’s something wrong with her.

I guess family is different though, Sophie seemed to have genuine affection for him too and I wonder what it is they see in him. I guess she gets to see a different side to him than most and it makes me realise even more so how much my hopes of meaning something to him are based on fantasy.

If he cared, I would have as much insight into the other side of him as the little girl standing in front of me. Someone he allows to see beyond what he is in this world if there is another side to him. The hints of softness I saw in fleeting moments that he obviously lets those he cares about see fully. Yet another sharp reminder that he never let me behind that barrier once.

Let it go, Camilla … Let him go. You can’t make him love you and he clearly had a sense of obligation over care last night. He wants me gone and probably didn’t want me to die on his turf, or in his apartment.

I should just stick with the plan and start my life somewhere else, get my head straight and sort my heart out; go back to my numb existence where I had freedom to play men for my own benefit.

When did I become this woman? Head on a man obsessively, letting it overtake every part of my thoughts to the point he effects all my decisions and needs. I’m losing my marbles, losing my sense of self and becoming pathetic. I used to watch girls like this, going gaga over some suave man with a nice smile, and completely pity them for their naivety and weakness.

I swore it would never be me.

I had seen all the faces of men and the masks they wore and I would never be duped by one, especially not one like Alexi Carrero. The worst kind of all.

How the hell did I go from that to falling hopelessly for someone like him? He never once made me feel like he would treat me well, trust me, give me a relationship or even care about me, and yet I went and fell for him anyway. Against all the odds the girl who could feel nothing for nobody loves the man who doesn’t even like her. A man who is incapable of loving anyone like me.

I guess being abused for all those years really did screw me up.

‘‘Well thank you, you don’t need to stick around, I feel like I could take care of myself now.’’ Like I always did and always do.

‘’It’s no hassle Mico is coming by soon to shift swap and is bringing soup, he feels bad that he didn’t know you were sick.’’ I don’t really know how that makes me feel.

‘’Mico is genuinely a nice guy and the world doesn’t have many of those. Really though, I am a big girl and I can get up.’’ I never saw that coming either. Soup?

Although he has never given me a reason to dislike him at all in the past months, he just never said much to me and kept his distance so that I never really got to know what he was really like.

I haven’t really known any decent nice guys in my time; the circles I moved in and the acquaintances I made in my chosen path brought me only men who always had motives. Like Alexi, he had something to gain from me and is now discarding me after he has gotten it. I don’t know how to feel knowing that someone is willing to take care of me because I am sick for no reason other than he wants to; it makes me feel uneasy in a way. I know there isn’t a reason not to trust him, but my gut never trusts anyone. I’m not used to kindness.

‘’You clearly don’t know many Carrero men then. The whole family are poster children for great DNA and amazing guys; my heart is on a certain young Carrero by the name of Anjelo. Hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on and I swear if he fills out like Gino and Lex, I won’t make it to my next birthday still a virgin, he has crazy kissing skills.’’

She completely gushes like teens do and I curb the urge to eye roll. Stupid girl with no clue what a can of worms men and sex can be. I also happen to think she really doesn’t know much about men if she’s lumping Alexi in the ‘’Carrero pool of wonderful men’’ list.

‘‘Don’t rush into sex. Once it’s gone you can’t get it back and it changes everything, trust me, I know.’’ I sound friendly enough but the hint of warning in my tone isn’t missed and she looks instantly sober.

No idea why I even feel like I should be giving any sort of advice to flippant young girls I don’t even know. I don’t care about the lives of others, and I have no space for those kinds of complications or problems. No one in the world ever cared about mine or me, so I learned to never care about anyone else. It’s cleaner, easier, and avoids a lot of headaches and drama.

‘’Are you and Lex dating? It’s just … he seemed concerned about you, I don’t normally see him too hot about women.’’ She sits on the edge of the bed uninvited with wide probing eyes, youthfully curious and I just sigh at her knowing when I have no chance of shaking loose some young cling on.

‘’No, I work for him. We sort of bumped into one another last night and I guess he felt responsible because I was obviously sick.’’ She has that sniffing for gossip look that I used to see on the girls I was lumped with under Rick’s command. I learned fast that women are devious witches who use any tiny titbit of information as a weapon to further their own needs and it was a great life lesson on when to keep your mouth shut and your thoughts private.

‘’Ahhh, well you’re probably not going to like the fact your boss took a naked shower with you to cool you down. You were crazily hot, and he was worried you would have a seizure.’’

‘‘What?’’ I literally gawp at her, fragments of memory making sense, but none of it does. I literally just stare at her as though I am not hearing her right, trying to pull back fuzzy memories without much success. I do have a vague recollection of listening to Alexi talk to me under a constant stream of cool fluid, but it’s so far away and lost in the recess of my brain I cannot fully conjure it up.

‘’I mean you were naked, not him, he was wearing pants. He just walked you in there and kept you under the jets until you levelled out a bit. He had to do it a few times before you finally started to cool, you were pretty out of it and hallucinating like crazy.’’ She shrugs and pulls herself onto the bed properly to cross her legs, with a devilish gleam in her eye at the thought that she thinks it’s shocking my boss saw me in the nude.

Personally, I find it more shocking that he took the time to care for me and I can’t begin to get my head around that.

Stop trying to figure him out.

‘‘Well I’m glad I was out cold then.’’ I deflect, not wanting to dig into that little mess or admit I have been naked with Alexi more than once.

‘’He was very clear about no one else getting to see you that way. He dried you and wrapped you up before he let us put your nightdress on over your head. It’s nice by the way, feels divine it must have been expensive.’’

Possessive, ownership. Of course, he wouldn’t want anyone else to sample his goods, he still thinks that I belong to him and him alone, it is all he knows.

I do admire how the girl can change direction in conversation with a click though, a typical teen with a lack of focus. It makes it easier to sway her far away from a topic that is making me tense.

‘’Thanks, I believe in quality, it’s one of my few indulgences in life. Nice clothes, special lingerie and you get what you pay for.’’ A necessity in this business and one thing I did strive to do as I created Camilla was to up my wardrobe to what I could afford and keep on improving.

Class, elegance, a façade of opulence and great taste. It brought in the men with money who believed in that sentiment exactly, you pay for quality.

I mean, isn’t that why Alexi chose to make me his club hostess? I can exude the essence of upper class, royally raised hostess easily. Even if it’s so far from the truth it’s almost laughable. I spent years devouring all the TV programs I could, read magazines and mimicked the royals. The internet gave me access to elocution videos and even simple things like how to get in and out of a car, which cutlery to use at a five star dinner, the proper terms in social politeness and of course … using seduction as a very powerful tool.