The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance) novel Chapter 71

He walks around the car and I almost break in two when he opens the passenger door and helps a tall leggy blonde out, resting his palm on her back in a gentlemanly and very touchy-feely manner as he guides her towards the building confidently. Rushing her out of the rain.

I want to scream and drag her away from him, fiery rage instantly coursing through my veins and my brain crashing like a tidal wave. Anger and pain coursing through me, jealousy and heartbreak with a crushing ache from him being with someone else.

I hate him. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting him to show up here with a date and I had no plan for what I should do if he had a woman with him.

I sag and start to cry against the metal bin, burying my face in my arms to let it all out before I start to try and get my head together. I should go and not keep doing this to myself, but something inside of me doesn’t want to. I came to see him, came to confront him one last time and drunk logic is pulling me to my feet and in the direction he went. Pushing it down and ignoring the lump in my throat and the spiking ache in my stomach as I heave and swallow down my hysteria. I console myself as best I can and take the steps after him to the door which has swung shut in the dark night air behind him.

I’m talking myself out of it even as I cross the park, well trying to, but my body is not getting the memo and I key in the access code as soon as I come level with it. The gentle beep and then the click of the door opening does not deter me. Stubborn headed and emotionally stuck on this path, I slide in unseen and enter the empty dark hall, thanking my lucky stars they haven’t put on the lights down here yet. I can’t hear Alexi’s voice down the hall, so I bank right to the lifts which are dimly lit and concealed. I keep my face downwards as I pass against the wall under the camera here.

If security is watching the screens then they might not guess it’s me. My hair is soaked so it looks dark, almost mahogany and it’s tied back, so in shadow it would look brown on the cameras low resolution in the dark. I am dressed like any of the girls when they come on shift so he will think I am one of them arriving early.

It’s amazing that even while banging into walls and tripping over my own feet with my blurry vision and cotton wool brain that I have gotten this far, and as I watch the lift doors close I sigh with relief, unable to believe I managed to get in here unseen and unstopped by any of his men. Metaphorically high fiving myself as I take another long steadying breath I dry my tears as the lift transports me up to the top floor.

I have one last moment of doubt over what I am doing and shake myself.

He is here with a woman, maybe already walking into the apartment to do God knows what with her. He doesn’t want me here, he doesn’t want me to see him and nothing I say to him will change that. I have no idea why I am still pursuing this.

Will he really stand and listen to me going on at him about how he has done me wrong? He’s Alexi, he doesn’t give a shit. I stick to the wall at the side, concealed by the doors when it opens on the second and third floor. I can hear voices, but none are Alexi and I stay put until I hit the apartment floor, then slide out fast as I know for sure that security is bound to have seen me by now.

My palm hits the access panel outside the door and before I have a moment to ponder if he has removed my print to access the door it clicks open, and I am inside in a second.

Heart pounding with adrenaline coursing through my body, my breathing hard with the realisation that I have got up here and am really doing this as I push my way inside and blink as the first set of dim lights in the lounge come on. It’s obvious he’s not here as the place is in darkness and the lights come on as I walk through to check the rooms. I always loved the motion activated lights in here, but hardly a great thing when you are trying to be stealth and go unseen. I check both bedrooms, he is definitely not up here, so I’m at a loss as to what to do.

If I chance going down then someone will remove me or cause a huge scene. There’s hope that no one was watching the monitors as I got in here and I’m safe and secure. I hope with me not staying here Alexi has no need to activate the cameras inside the apartment, so I could realistically stay here unseen for hours if no one comes up. Worst case scenario, I spend the night and have to sneak out in the early hours before the staff come in to start cleaning at six a.m. Alexi would never know and I would get back in time for Mico picking me up at the apartment.

Feeling listless I head for his mini bar and start rummaging for booze to make sure I do not lose this bravado and hide under the bed all night. I will need my drunken superhero sense to get out of here at some point and would rather stay completely sloshed in the process of making an utter idiot of myself. I don’t want to sober up too much and start rationalising any of this shit. I would rather stay oblivious of sense for the time being and swallow down another bout of tears at the hopelessness of what I am doing.

Dumber than dumb, this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life, yet here I am. Who am I trying to kid that this was only ever about giving him a piece of my mind? I came here to see someone my heart is pining for, no matter what I tell myself.

He doesn’t trust me, that’s what Mico said, and maybe he needs to hear me tell him this isn’t a game and that I care about him, that I love him. He is like me, protecting his heart and his head, maybe he just thinks I’m using him in some way and is pushing me away to protect himself, the way I do with people.

That’s what my stupid head has come up with as I down another few rank mixed cocktails in a bid to get the drunkest I have ever been in my life. I end up sitting on the floor of the kitchen area and bursting into another bout of heart-wrenching tears.

What the hell is wrong with me? I have never felt this desolate or lost in my life, even after everything I have lived through. It’s a whole new level of pain and despair and I cannot handle any of it. It’s like all my absent emotions of the past twenty years of my life have somehow come together in one mass ball and decided to let loose on me at this very moment.

I just want it to end, for the pain to stop, for my brain to still, and downing drink after drink isn’t helping at all. It’s making it worse, yet I can’t stop.

I lean forward holding a bottle of vodka by the neck and plant my face on my knees in a bid to calm down. Breathing so hard and crying so much that it’s physically impossible to take a breath, and I try to level myself off a little. My ribs ache with the effort, my head still swimming, I just feel physically fatigued.

‘‘What the fuck are you doing here?’’ Alexi’s voice startles me with a jump and I spin up and turn to the door where he is standing like a giant aggressive bear. That little blonde bombshell cowering behind him.

My insides melting to cold mush and his eyes are like steel knives aimed right at mine. I cannot look away even though it fills me with complete regret at being here. I know this feeling of fear well as it consumes me, and sense finally slaps me with the absurdity of what I have done in coming here.

His presence reminds me of how much he intimidates me just by being in the same room, and I sink into the carpet in regret. This was sooooo dumb.