The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance) novel Chapter 186

Teeth, tongues, lips, coming together of a rather aggressive game of tonsil tennis as his hands slide up my body and I wrap my legs around his waist. Moaning quietly with the way he ignites every nerve ending in me. Body tingling and on fire within seconds as I rub myself against the button and rough zip on his trousers, pushing myself into a fevered frenzy of longing.

There is no real foreplay, just a sudden need to consummate our passion right here and now and I reach down and unbutton him so he can spring free from the confines of fabric. Alexi feels me out, probing my warmth with his fingers, finding me wet and willing and doesn’t waste time on formalities.

He slides into me soon as he leans back over me and presses down on me as he does so, so our bodies fit snugly and muffle my moans of pleasure as they overtake me. Snug as a hand in a glove, he fills me up in the best kind of way, spreading that pulsating, gorgeously good feeling up through my pelvis and into my abdomen as he starts fucking me on his mother’s desk. My wild one unleashed and doing what he does best. Untamed in all his glory and a little feral mating.

When I groan, he puts a hand over my mouth to silence me and earns himself a bite and a grin. His mouth coming to my throat, my hands tangling in his thick dark hair as we get lost in the motion of a quick release.

I lift my pelvis to him and encourage faster stiffer strokes, hard screwing for a fast climax and don’t worry at all about skill. This is to satisfy a craving and a short quickie to pass the time while being stuck in here. I don’t care about the execution as long as I have him inside me, joined to me intimately. I feel whole when Alexi and I are having sex. Nothing compares to having him all over me, possessing me and making me his all over again.

It’s only moments of sheer bliss, him grinding on top of me as I try my hardest to keep quiet, mumbling quietly, clawing his neck half to death with my talon sharp nails as heat and ecstasy ride up in waves from my pelvis, and I close my eyes to savour every minute of defilement of this bitch’s desk. So close to climax even though he has barely worked me up to it. I guess delayed pleasure and waiting all day has helped the process.

“Alessandro!” There’s a harsh yell, and I thrust my eyes open, snapping my head to the left where the blinding light of the open doorway startles us to stop. Alexi turns too, and I’m too busy staring at the shocked, angry expression of bitch-faced Mama Carrero gawping at us in horror while holding a gift-wrapped box that I don’t even see what his reaction is. My insides clench, my stomach lurches, and my first reaction is to burst into a snorting laugh. Completely inappropriate but somehow not. I stifle the urge to laugh, seeing as I’m lying flat on her precious thousand-dollar desk, my dress up around my waist and my legs wrapped around her son while his trousers and boxers are down by his knees.

“Shit.” It’s a low rumbling hiss under his breath before he sinks his face down on my shoulder and lets out a slow groan while pulling out of me. It’s a bit of a ‘fuck my life’, and I have to slap a hand over my mouth to stifle the laugh that decides to continue coming out of me.

Yes, I’m amused that she walked in, it’s even better than I hoped for.

She stands stock still and he has to fumble with himself and his clothes while still against me, so she doesn’t get a full-on pornographic eyeful. She doesn’t seem to have any intention of looking away either. He pulls away dragging my dress down with him to cover my modesty and I barely move to help him. Not caring one iota if she sees me nude.

I stay for a moment, with eyes fixed on her, locked in a battle of snarled hatred and make unhurried, deliberate movements to cover myself in my position. Alexi sliding me off the desk to my feet, as I’m not doing it, and he turns away to button his trousers properly.

No one talks while we return everything to decent. I continue to look her way with a satisfied, smug expression, hoping to convey how unperturbed I am by her interruption. I feel like a sassy cat sharpening its claws in readiness for a territorial battle. I just marked my territory by pissing on her lawn.

“What on earth do you think you are doing? Defiling my room with this trash!” She slaps on an overhead light and storms into the room fully, pulling the door shut behind her in case anyone catches a whiff of what is going on. I presume that would be worse than death for her, to have this little shameful scene on show.

Alexi rights himself and turns back to face her, stony expression, no hint of anything, and I really have not an ounce of remorse. I don’t know what I was expecting from him if she caught us, maybe remorse or an apology, but he seems to have gone the opposite way. Alexi is in full-blown hostile defiance, and I wonder if this was the face he wore whenever she caught him being naughty as a kid.

He reacts to conflict in aggressive ways; maybe if she hadn’t insulted me and had a go at discovering us, he would handle this a whole lot differently, but she has pushed his ‘fuck’ and ‘you’ and ‘die’ button. Awoken his prick mode, and good luck with that. Even I know the only way around this version of him, is to breathe, calm down and back off, and come back at him with gentle handling. Even if he is in the wrong.

Softly softly wins the war with Lexi baby.

She clearly never learned that lesson in his entire life.

I’m kind of glad she caught us and hope she has to burn the desk, forever picturing Alexi fucking his hooker wife every time she comes in here. It’s wonderful.

“Avoiding you.” He points out dryly and I flick a sideways glance at him. Waiting for the apology because I know he didn’t want to do this in here; there must be some semblance of shame inside him for crossing a boundary in his mother’s study. He looks closed off and still, like the scary predator he can be, and I simmer a little, trying to feel him out.

“This is who she is pushing you to be? This slut encouraging this kind of filthy behaviour in my house and ….”

“OUR house. Do you forget I was both born and raised here, and this room used to be the place you locked me in anytime I was bad? Do you remember that? Sending me in here for hours on end to think about my behaviour, in the dark, because you told me you didn’t want to lay eyes on something as flawed as me. As for my trashy wife pushing me, did she look like she was the one being dominating on your desk? I have a mind of my own and march to no one’s beat but mine. Did you learn nothing from a lifetime of knowing me?” Lexi’s tone completely changes, and I blink at him in surprise, not only for him taking blame for what I obviously orchestrated, but also looking around the room once more and trying to picture using it as a den of punishment when he was a child.

Locking him away, making him feel isolated.

And why in the dark? What kind of cruelty is that?

This room is pitch black even in the day, so I cannot imagine how a little boy would feel being locked in here and told he was not allowed a light on. I wonder if it’s why he never has the rooms in complete darkness at home. He always has low lights on. He has them everywhere and on a timer, so soon as it gets dark, they come on to create peaceful glows, and the apartments are rarely dark. It never dawned on me before how he never has complete darkness, ever.

The bitch scarred him.

“What did I ever do to deserve a son like you?” She almost spits it at him, smashing down the boxed gift on a side unit, startling me so I jump in fright and almost lose my heart through my mouth. She flies back around to face us, snarling, hating the very sight of us; I just cross my arms across my boobs, pushing them up and jut my hip out as I face her with attitude. Complete bitch mode incited, and I take on that good old catty stance of a girl who’s not about to take any shit from anyone, least of all her.

“The question should be what did he ever do to deserve a mother like you? From where I’m standing the only one who deserves to be locked in a dark room is the arsehole in front of me.” I snort in repulsion at the rancid woman, and she almost breaks her neck whipping around to glare at me. Our eyes lock and the tension sizzles with the heavy fog of nastiness. Alexi walks to beside me and slides a hand around my upper arm to guide me away from her piercing laser beam stare and tries to manoeuvre me to turn away. Maybe sensing she is psycho enough to fly at me, she is definitely brimming with violent intent.

“We’re going. I’m not doing this again. Goodbye, Mother.” He says it to both of us, lifting a brow that emphasises how serious he is, and I guess he doesn’t want this scene to pan out. He’s done and he just wants to leave before he snaps. I can feel him brimming with that restless negative energy that’s usually followed by sadistic behaviour and I relent, knowing he is trying to rein himself in. My need to protect him overwhelms me, and I know getting him out and away from her is what he needs. That and a stiff drink or ten.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She accuses, following us as we make it to the door and slams a hand on the handle as he reaches for it, blocking our way and making it clear we don’t get to leave while she has a bone to pick. I can imagine the bully she was when he was a child as she stands there trying to intimidate us, forgetting she is the shortest one here. If I was a lesser woman, I would find her terrifying, but instead, I lift a brow at her and just laugh out a ‘pfft’ noise in her face. Ignoring her question.

“Really? Are we your prisoners now, dahling? Going to spank our bums? I might like it, so go ahead.” I chuckle at the stupidity of the woman and shove her hand off by leaning down and tugging her wrist away without a care for her reaction. She’s small and thin and I’m sure I could take her, although Alexi would probably never let her get near me.

She acts as though I have full-blown slapped her in the face when I let go. Lurching back, grasping her hand and gasping dramatically, eyes widening as she looks his way in faux victim horror.

“How dare you touch me, you rancid whore! That’s assault!” She snaps at me, but I don’t get a chance to respond. While I’m busy self-imploding to explosive lava proportions, Alexi spins me out of the way so he puts himself between us, and towers over her menacingly.

“Shut the fuck up and don’t ever talk to my wife like that again. Who the fuck do you think you are? I’m the head of this fucking family now, not Father, and you will do well to remember, in our family, that makes me God. My word is law. The reason you get to live your sad quiet little lie of existence in peace and safety. You ever disrespect me or my wife again, I will show you exactly what kind of son you deserve. I have held my tongue for over thirty years, and I’m done playing your games. Don’t piss me off, you won’t like the side of me I have kept hidden out of respect for you, Mama; that side will give you nightmares no one can save you from! Trust me, there’s a side of me I have protected you from, and I have no qualms about showing it to you now!” Alexi is snarling, growling, leaning in as she curls into a timid little ball, instantly silenced in genuine fear at what I suspect is a first for her. I see the horror in her eyes, the paling of her complexion as her blood drains away, the terror that used to run through my veins as Beast Alexi is unleashed.

She made one vital mistake—she underestimated that he snaps for me and won’t take any shit when it comes to his wife. She pushed too far.

I guess this is the first time she has ever truly seen who he can be, what kind of cold and nasty he has in him, and it might make her rethink how lucky she has been to have him trying to win her love for decades. I have no doubt the real him would send her into hiding, and he has spent so long keeping it under wraps around her that she is shocked mute.

He’s will never earn her love, but maybe now he will earn her distance and silence and put her in her fucking place. As the head of his family, she owes him respect at the very least.

“I … I …” she whimpers, silenced and stuttering as he penetrates her with that scowl that still puts the fear of God in me, and I can see it’s the face from his father, only scarier. Her instant submission signals she knows better than to fuck with it on him, it’s thrown her, so maybe now she realises she shouldn’t fuck with Alexi either. Like father like son, only a hundred times deadlier, and with no depth of husbandly love to save her from his wrath. She was never a mother to him and maybe now she will figure out that would have been the only thing to have saved her.

“Go away. We want to leave without looking at you. I’m done with you.” Still snarling, he sounds almost satanic in the low sinister tone, and she ups and scurries out of our way quicker than you can blink. Genuinely afraid of him probably for the first time in her life. I should feel smug at this point, but I don’t. I feel saddened that when he calms down, he will replay this in his head, regret it and have a pretty deep emotional reaction to how he was with her. Under all that cold is a heart that is easy to wound.

I hate her for pushing him to this.

Alexi turns and yanks open the door to the vacant kitchen, her guest clearly gone, and holds it open for me. Waiting with no hint of expression anymore. Closed up tight and retreating into his head until we get out of here. I perk up, paste a smile on my face for his benefit, straighten up and throw her a warm smile oozing with disdain.

“Thanks for lunch, Mum, see you for Christmas dinner.” I wink and blow her a kiss, sarcasm dripping and smile when she practically swallows her own pinched and pursed lips. The look on her face is priceless and it gives me a bit of a kick.

Tit wank of a woman.

Alexi pushes me out gently, reminding me it’s time to leave and follows out by my side, saying nothing else. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t utter a goodbye, just takes my arm and leads us out into the kitchen before pulling me silently through the house to get out of here.

Leaving that scene behind us and I hope his last ounces of always crawling for her approval with it.

“Go up, I just need to make a call and take a minute.” Alexi smacks my arse saucily as we walk in the front door of his house and sends me trotting across the floor in bare feet. He has my shoes in his hand after I discarded them in the car and tosses them onto the hall chair, watching me wriggle away suggestively towards the stairs. Smiling his way and winking at him because I can. He watches me with that sexy smile, eyes scanning my curves and making me feel like a goddess. All drama ebbing away and now I have my mind on more important things.

He didn’t say much driving over here and he seems to be a little introverted after that ugliness. It’s clear he did not want to talk about it, so I left it alone, knowing if he wants to talk it out then he won’t be shy about it. I left him to brood, and I can tell he is trying to throw it off, so it doesn’t follow us for the rest of our day. I can almost bet he needs a few minutes of headspace, to down something strong and breathe before following me. Self-medicating and putting himself back to rights. Since finding out that’s the way he levels himself off instead of meds, I haven’t cared about his booze intake at all. It’s rare when he's doing fine, so not much of a problem in my eyes.

He promised me a conclusion to our desk fun so at least she didn’t ruin his sexual appetite with her nonsense. I so badly needed that damn orgasm I have been chasing all day. I feel so uptight and antsy with all these false starts and the emotional shit that’s gone down.

No babies—thank God.

First time meeting that witch—Oh, lord.

Her being a sanctimonious abusive arsehole—my poor baby.

His mother finally lost her power and control over him though, in a very anticlimactic way, nevertheless, it happened. Something in him shifted at that moment and I don’t doubt she will tread carefully with him in the future, now she has seen hints of what he has always tried to shield her from. She has no clue how hard he has tried to only show her the side she would want and approve of. It’s not how love works.

The love he had for her doesn't outshine the love he has for me, and she is no longer someone he needs to feel any kind of worth for. He has me, and she might realise that when it all calms down. He is his father’s son and she must have known that one day, the time would come when her power over him died at his own hands because he holds so much more than she does. He could crush her effortlessly. Even though I know he wouldn’t. She has no idea how lucky she is that he cares about her, even if it’s a misplaced love she in no way deserves. Alexi could have made her life hell all these years, but he did the opposite and tried to be what she wanted in him, on paper anyway. He can stop pretending now; I love him, and she either accepts it or leaves him the hell alone. She'll have me to deal with should this shit continue, and I won’t hold back.

“Don’t be long, otherwise I'll put all my clothes back on and watch daytime TV. You snooze you lose, bad boy.” I wink back at him, bringing humour to the atmosphere and willing him to be okay. I feel guilty now we aren’t there anymore and have deep remorse for putting him in a position for that kind of outcome. As much as I hate her, he loves her. She’s his mother, and what just happened is probably killing him inside now. Hiding it away as he does and shelving it for another time.

Sounds familiar.

Only difference is, I will not let him slide back into trying to appease her. I have more sway over him, and things will change where she is concerned. Enough is enough.

I disappear up the stairs with my head on executing my plan of the last few days. Now more than ever when he really needs a good way to relieve stress and a pick me up to how wretched he must be feeling. I hold the key to making it all better and I aim to pull out all the stops for him to ensure I do. I love him so much.

“Twenty minutes max,” he calls after me, but I’m already darting up the stairs so I can set about looking for something appropriate.

I don’t know why, but maybe it’s all this marriage talk and thinking about cheating husbands and weird fetishes that planted a seed in my head somewhere during the last few days. I thought about what I wasn’t giving him in terms of his needs. More specifically, Alexi’s lack of kinky sex, bondage and such, since we got together. I know he took it off the table because of how I am with it, but I know it’s in him to want it and long for it. That’s what kinks are. Strong desires and urges, and men stray when theirs are not met. He married a sex worker with more skills than most, and he should be able to use that for his own pleasure when he needs it.

God knows I revel in his skills from his past.

I don’t want Alexi to be unsatisfied with our sex life anytime soon, I want to be all he needs, all he desires. After these past few days, I feel like he needs to know I will go the extra mile for him whenever he needs me to. He has changed so much for me, so I should, and will manage my hang-ups for the occasional BDSM themed night of passion. I trust him not to put me in a position where I’m traumatised. He knows my worst and he won’t cross a line.

I rush about the bedroom we are using, pulling all my clothes out of my case, looking for sexy underwear, suspenders and such, and something we could use in a very gentle game of bondage and restraint.

This is a huge leap of faith and trust for me, and I believe in the fact he will never hurt me. That he knows my limits and won’t cross boundaries. I already know that pain isn’t his thing, it’s just about control and restraint. I can live with that if it’s him. I love him enough to try, and then when I’ve done it once, it can be something we visit from time to time when he wants something spicier. I won’t let him get bored of me.

I can push all my fears and scars aside for him. I can do this. I can be what he needs in every way. I love him that much and I want him to see that he is worthy of a love so deep I’m willing to do anything for him. Undo the doubts his mother put inside his head. Now more than ever.

I strip off, ignoring the clawing, rising trepidation and nerves, and pull on red lingerie in sexy lace and matching suspenders; completely focused on what I’m doing and pushing fear aside. Aware he won’t be long, so I’m being speedy. Fishnet stockings and red stilettoes. Hair pulled up into a messy updo and I retouch my makeup with a sultry smoky eye and my devil-red lips I had neglected to put on for lunch at his mother’s when opting for a toned-down shade. Alexi likes this colour on me. I’m dressing up in a way I know he will appreciate, tailoring to what he likes on me for extra oomph. Intent on turning him on and making him wild with need.

I give myself a once over, hands beginning to tremble as I take in the sultry, seductive goddess before me. She looks confident and capable and in no way quaking internally with a dry mouth and pounding heart rate. Sex Queen from head to toe. I pull out the long leather belts I had to rummage in Alexi’s case for when looking for suitable restraints. They’re not ideal but I have to work with what I can find.

Two, one black and one brown, expensive, soft Italian leather belts with small buckles. Not very daunting to look at but to me a terrifying decision that will take extra will power to carry out. The thought of it makes my hair stand on end and I get goosebumps all over in dreaded anticipation. I feel like my body goes limp and weak and my blood runs cold at what I’m about to do, willingly.

Trust.

I keep chanting this to myself. A reminder to keep myself calm and immerse myself in the faith I have in him. The importance of this for me is to show him I trust him. He has taken so many huge steps for us and I need to show him I’m willing to do the same. I’m willing to put my fears aside and give him one of his biggest desires to make him happy too. I know he won’t do anything terrifying to me even while he has full control and the green card to do as he pleases.

I catch the sound of footsteps on the stairs and panic, haphazardly throwing the suitcases off the bed and kicking them to one side neatly. Running to pull the blind so the room is in semi-darkness, and quickly light the array of candles I collected from all over the room to sit along the vanity to create a low sultry ambience. I press my phone for the soothing music to play over the Bluetooth surround sound system just as Alexi walks into the bedroom and catches sight of me standing with my hands behind my back, concealing the two belts I have rolled up to hide. My chest heaving from my last-minute manic run about and the pulsing, throbbing wave of apprehension from what I’m about to do.

My heart is pounding through my chest, breathing shallow and nerves frayed but I can do this. I just need to look at him and remind myself that I’d die for this man. He makes everything in my life right, and I owe him some sort of token that's more than just saying I love you.

He stands for a second in the doorway as his vision adjusts to the lower light and I can see the shining glints of his eyes as they travel up my body from feet to face. Taking me in, scanning the room as he relaxes against the frame and a smile spreads across his face. He seems calmer, back to confident alpha, probably thanks to a few shots of booze, and much more relaxed in posture.

“Well, this looks enticing. Are we playing games or just getting romantic?” he asks huskily, lust consuming him as soon as he lays eyes on my outfit. The way he slowly gazes over me again, lingering on my breasts tells me this works for him.

“Come in, shut the door and you will find out.” I purr at him, sex kitten on full show and relying on my years of self-training in how to make a guy crumble before your feet. Little sexy mannerisms going full throttle, pouting, pushing my bust and arse out and making sure I let my hands glide to key points of my body to allure him even more. I’m competent in seduction, and I want him to believe I’m in full control and fully on board with this. If he senses doubt, he will stop it and banish this from sex in the future. His need to protect me overrides everything else, even his own desires. He sacrifices so much for me.

Alexi does as I tell him, a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he walks in confidently and turns to shut the door firmly. His slow deliberate movements, so very catlike sometimes.

“Take your clothes off while you're at it,” I command forcefully, still that low husky tone that always guaranteed to make men horny. Internally, I'm still shitting myself, but at least I sound sure and can hide the wobble in my voice. A sudden wave of faintness coming over me and I swallow it down to push it away.

He turns slowly, smirks at my show of dominance and starts unbuttoning his shirt carefully, eyes on me and being very cocky about it. He has already discarded his jacket and cufflinks downstairs; he kicks off his shoes, eyes homed in on me in an unbreakable gaze as we lock together. He seems amused by me taking over and not against it so I hold steady and know that if he goes for this, I may just brighten his night and smooth over some of the upset from earlier. He deserves someone to pull out the stops for him. He deserves my complete and utter devotion.

I fidget with the belts behind my back but hold my ground, walk slowly towards the bed while facing him so he doesn’t see them, and stop at the foot.

“Hurry up, I’m waiting.”

Another command as he slides his shirt off, exposing all that chiselled perfection and dark ink across his body and he swiftly removes his trousers, boxers and socks until he is completely naked and very obviously getting hard. I watch that flawless specimen as he saunters to the bed, trailing a hand across my abdomen as he comes level with me, aching to touch me as much as I want to touch him. I shiver at the familiar touch, body eager to unite with him again, but I hold back and wait.

“I thought you liked to be dominated, what’s with the switch up?” He doesn’t sound overly bothered, more intrigued and maybe a little excited about the prospect of a reversal. As much as he likes to be boss, I think occasionally he is open to me taking the lead. He admitted I did on our wedding night anyway and he had no complaints on that front.

“Shut up and get on the bed. It’s a surprise.” I so badly want to push him on there, but I wait and watch him climb onto the bed, painfully slowly, before he turns and gets comfy lying on it and props himself to sitting against the headboard. Arrogantly confident, intrigued and watching me like a hawk. My skin goosebumps with apprehension, my stomach lurches, and I swallow down the last of my doubts to try and quell them.

Just fucking do it.

“Good boy. Now close your eyes.” I don’t want him to see my crawling up the bed with belts in hand, I want this to happen naturally and fluidly with no build up or weirdness. Just get on top of him and put the straps in his hand so he can do to me as he pleases. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Talking about it will only make me lose my nerve.

As soon as he closes his eyes, I let the belts loose to dangle free so I can use my hands to get up and crawl up his body slowly and carefully, easing myself over him like a little cat. I start by kissing his legs and thighs, moving up as I go, licking his skin as I do so. Working my way up and trying so hard to turn myself on in the process so I don't think about what’s coming. Grazing my breasts against him when I lean low to taste the delicious salt of skin and masculine scent.

I can do this.

When I get level with his penis, almost fully erect from my attention, I lick up his shaft, laying the belts on either side of him and lean over to deliver a world-famous Camilla blow job. A sure-fire way to get us both ready for maximum pleasure, bending low to take as much of him down my throat as I can and suck delicately. For me, this always acted like a trigger and got me ready for sex. I don’t know why; I guess because I don’t mind doing it and it always signals what’s coming. My body firing up in readiness and I can’t ignore it’s taking more time than usual.

His groans spur me on and when he's fully erect in my mouth, hardening so it stands up all by itself, I know that putting this off for much longer will only kill my courage once and for all.

I suck him all the way to the tip, coming away seductively, and position myself on my knees before straddling him and pressing my thighs to either side of his so I can hover over his erection while looking down at his face. My knickers are crotchless so they can stay on and still give him access.

I pick up one belt and drape it across my shoulders to use on my neck or upper body, flinching at the cold leather nestling on my skin and push away memories quickly. I pick up the second to drape across my wrists, ready to be tied. Offering myself like a submissive so he has no confusion as to what this is.

I lower my chin and drop my eyes to his chest, knowing the preferred way of giving power for most Doms. It’s like I almost move into autopilot and a weird zombie trance comes over me. My mind is trying to separate me from my body to endure this, and I have to fight myself to stay lucid.

“Do I still have to keep my eyes shut?” His husky tone pulls me out of my head, and I watch him for a millisecond under lowered lashes before taking a steadying breath.

“Not anymore. Open them and take over.” I sound confident anyway, even though I’m quaking inside, stomach swirling with nausea and heart racing so rapidly I may pass out. When he slowly opens his eyes, fluttering a little in the dim light, he immediately locks onto the belt across my wrists waiting for him to wrap around them to restrain me and pauses, his whole body stiffens. Everything seems to freeze for a second.

His eyes flicker from that to the one around my shoulders and back again, a slight hint of a frown as the happy expression slips away, before he sits himself up a little more. An aura of Mr Mafia Boss seeping in and I hesitate for a moment, wondering if he might have an all-out flip of persona on me.

“What is this?” He looks confused, not exactly the response I was going for and I stay still, holding my pose. Willing myself to be brave and trust him. No matter the persona he will not hurt me.

“What do you think this is for? You moron. To do to me as you please.” I jut my pelvis backward and sit slowly to angle myself just behind his erection, coming down to nestle at eye level, waiting for my master to take over. Distracting myself so I don’t fall to pieces and give away how afraid I feel right now.

He wants submission, all out obedience. It’s what he will get from me during this sex romp. I know the rules and how to play, and it will all be over soon enough.

“You don’t like this; you don’t want this.” It’s a deflating, flat statement, and I can see this isn’t going to be the spontaneous sexy scene I thought I was creating. Alexi moving in as protector and questioning my motives. I sigh inwardly. Nerves hiking with every second of delay.

He wants to talk it out but I’m just willing him to get on with it before I curl up and cry. He doesn’t touch me or the belt, just continues to look at it, and then me and frowning. His face a picture of suspicion and subtle refusal.

Killing my confidence, and emotions swirl up where lust should be, aware his erection is calming noticeably between my thighs.

“But you do. This is what you like. This is what gets you off, so I’m giving it to you. The way you compromise for me. I want to make you happy too.” My voice wavers, insides crumbling in a way I didn’t want them to. The longer this goes on the more I’m losing my resolve to do this, and fear is consuming me. I’m not turned on in any way and it will be worse for me if I can’t get my head into this.

Goddamn it, Alexi, just do it already. I’m doing this for you.