You Saved Me Once Book 1 novel Chapter 40

“Hayes.” I get closer and closer.

Hayes isn’t saying anything. He’s just playing in my hair. So, I lean in and kiss him.

He immediately backs away and lets go of me. He’s upset.

“Alex what the fuck.” He grabs his hair and wipes his lips. His voice is soft, but raspy.

“I followed my heart.” I say. He’s still close to me.

“You just fucking ruined everything.” Hayes says.

“Like last time?” I ask.

I knew he’d keep this a secret, just like last time, right? He has to.

He doesn’t look at me. The pit in my stomach pulses.

“Hayes, I’m sorry!” cry.Water fills my eyes. I don’t fight them.

“No. This time Alex, you crossed the line.” He says, he wipes his face.

Seeing him cry, makes me cry.

“Hayes, talk to me.” I say, but he won’t

. I grab his hand, bubut he pulls away.

He goes back to cleaning up, and putting stuff in the car, passing me every time. Ignoring me, every time.

“You didn’t want this?” I ask.

“Grab your stuff, I’m taking you home.” I grab my stuff and throw it in the car.

“Why did you come back to Versa, huh? Not for Rochelle, I know that.” I say, but he still ignores me.

The pit in my stomach deepens, my heart aches.

“Fuck this, I tried. I didn’t even want to get in the car with you.” I say. He finally looks at me.

“You drive me all the way up here, and what? We have history, what’d you think would happen?”

“What about the party?” I say.I can’t look at Hayes for too long.

I see tears on his face.

“I’ll call a cab, it’s fine. I don’t want to be in the same fucking car with you, again!” I shout.

I take Hayes’s phone, slam the car door, and start walking farther away.

Hayes comes up from behind me, and snatches the phone from my hand, and hangs up.

“Get in the car Alex!” He shouts.

“I fucking hate you!” I say to him.

“Say that again? Tell me, that what you just did was okay? Come on, tell me one of those secrets,, Little Richards. I’ll drop it, I’ll drop it all. Just tell me the fucking truth, for once.” He says.

I stay silent.

I don’t stop the tears, they rush out. Hayes is close again, he’s so angry, this hurt me too much. I’ve never seen him this hurt, ever.

Everything happy tonight, was leaving my mind.

“No!” I yell at him.

“You’re such a fucking liar Alex!” His voice makes me jump.

Everything is ruined. He’s ruined me again. I hate myself now. I want Hayes to hate me. I want him to hate me, because I can never hate him. I love him too much.

“I had sex with Jeff. In your car!” I yell.

I cover my mouth with my sleeve seconds after I say it. I regret say-ing it.

“That day we got doughnuts, I fucked him. There’s the truth.” I say.

“Do you hate me, now?” I ask him.

Hayes turns away from me, grabbing at his hair. He goes to his car, and calls someone.

20 minutes have gone by. Hayes is still in his car, I’m standing in the same spot.

A car passes us, then stops. Then pulls onto the dirt road. I listen to the gritty noises the dirt made from the car’s tires.

It’s a cab. I walk towards it and open the door. Hayes gets out of his car and tosses me his keys. We don’t exchange looks or speak to each other. I knew this gesture meant he was taking a cab, and I was taking his car.

We were both out of words to say to each other.

He gets into the cab. The cab’s low hum didn’t cover up the conver-sation between Hayes and the driver. I heard it all.

“Where?” The driver asked.

“Shiloh Ridge.” Hayes says.

I tense. That was a few cities from here.

Hayes was leaving Versa.

I hold my stomach and break down as soon as they drive off.

I get in Hayes’s car, shut all the doors, and blast the radio. Then I yell and scream so loud, my throat was too numb to hurt.

~~~~~

I was 11, it was two months after Timmy had passed. Hayes just got back from wherever his parents sent him of to, while they settled their split.

Just too fucking sad, and stressful for a kid to experience, on top of losing his brother. It was too much, for anyone.

When Hayes did come back, he stayed with us. Since I was usually the only one home on a Friday night, and Hayes’s friends were too scared to accept him. It was just Hayes and me together, always.

We were young, and curious.

I was curious.

My mother was out, the house was empty, it was just the two of us.

We stayed in, made food, built a fort on the floor, and watched movies.

I was getting older. Hayes was getting older.

In the middle of the night, I had another nightmare. I get night-mares often. This time I had someone to comfort me. It used to be my mother, now it’s Hayes.

He was asleep. I was awake. He wakes up to comfort me. He rubs my back, holds my hand, then falls back asleep.

I was laying by his side, on the floor, in our fort. The lights were off. The movie was still going. The noise on the T.V was mute to me, all I felt was the static. I felt grey again.

I cry to myself at 11 years old. Blaming myself for the death of Hayes’s brother. For ruining what my mother, and Mr. Bartley had, even though it was wrong. For lying to Ms. Kristen. For not telling Hayes, my best friend, about any of it.

I blamed myself for keeping the secret that ruined everything, and everyone I loved.

I cry silently to myself. When I could, I’d look at Hayes and feel better, calmer than before. He anchored me through the feeling of eve-rything. I had no one else.

I loved Hayes for being my best friend. I loved Hayes. I was in love with Hayes, since the first day I met him.

So, when he’s asleep I lean into him. I’m so close I feel his warm body. I move his curly, long hair from his face, and I kiss him on the lips at 11 years old.

Another secret. The least harmful. I was a child.

At that time, I didn’t know it, but I was falling for my next-door neighbor. I loved him more, and more each day.

The love for him, carried my secrets, kept them safe. But, doing this, created more secrets. Secrets I still keep. Secrets between Hayes and me. Secrets that killed, more than twice.

Three lives.

I shouldn’t have kissed him that day. I shouldn’t have kissed him again.

I shouldn’t have read his letter.

I should’ve never written one.

~~~~~

Life is still beautiful though, I want to hate it.

I love life, and I love Hayes.

My hoodie is drenched in wet secrets now

I start the car and drive back to Versa. I’m too sad to go home though, instead I park at Versa Coast.

I was too scared to sleep. I was too scared to think about the past. Too scared to think of my true thoughts, my secrets. All I could do, was cry. Cry until I shut my eyes.