Life After the Storm novel Chapter 46

LILLY'S POV 

As I wake up, I look around, everything surrounding me is black. I have no sense of life. I can hear the beeping that surrounds me and the people talking, but I feel it would be better not to be woken up. As I feel the life inside me gone, my heart aches more than it has ever.

I never thought I would ever feel a worse pain than what I felt when I lost my family. Oh! was I wrong, this pain is so much worse it's like someone has ripped my soul from my body and there's no way for it to return. I hate how my life has been turned upside down. I don't want to be a healer, I don't want to be anything, I just want to be left alone to die.

I begin to think that none of this would have happened if my family had been alive, it all could have been avoided. I become so angry with myself, blaming the only people who have ever truly loved me. It is not their fault all that has happened. If they were still here, they would help me fight this life of misery and find a way out of it. Then I wonder why I am giving up. I need to fight, but how.

God, falling in love what a fucking joke I should have known better. I feel like such a fool that I allowed myself to fall in love with someone who didn't love me back. The first time I find any kind of normalcy, and it's gone just like that and there is no chance of even trying to save it.

I don't know why I believed that Ivan would allow me to be free. I should have known better when he knew where I was, I should have run. But I trusted Landon would protect me, what a fool I am. Why would he protect he don't even no me fuck why didn't I run?

I developed that crazy feeling of wanting to protect Jayden like I needed to, wondering if it's because he also is a healer, but he did not need my protection. He only distracted me from reality. I should have never allowed myself to be so distracted by him. I knew what I had to do, which was to run, but I couldn't leave him. I was an idiot thinking I could belong.

I am so lost, I know that I will not be able To pretend that I am asleep forever. I'm going to have to face what everyone has done to me. The hurt that they have cost me and the betrayal that they bestowed onto me. I was not convinced that I could hate life any more than what I did, but it has proven wrong.

I want to avoid being bothered, so I decide to just wait until all the noise clears. I do not want to talk to anyone, I make a promise to myself not to allow myself to love or care about anything ever again. I'm tired of feeling nothing but pain, it's time to just simply feel nothing. I'm not sure If I can do it, but I'm sure as hell going to try. I wait until it is quiet. I truly do not want to be bothered or seen by anyone. I wish I could just pretend to sleep forever.

As the room is finally quiet, I open my eyes to the sun shining through the window. I felt nothing as I put my hands on my belly, I know that she is gone. As my heart breaks and tears start to form, I shut them off not wanting to show any kind of emotion. I hate that he has taken everything from me twice, I hate him so much. Fuck I say to myself as a nurse walks in, and she sees my eyes are open “. Oh my God, you're awake, the Alpha is going to be so happy I will go get him right away.”

As I watch her run out overjoyed, I do not care that I'm awake, I wish that I would have died. But I am cursed with not being able to die. They see it as a gift, but it is not. No one should have to be forced to live. I do not look at anybody who walks into the room as voices surround me, I am mute. I do not answer them because I don't care to talk to them. They have taken everything from me and deserve nothing more from me. Not like I have anything else to give.

As the nurse is asking me questions, I don't answer, why should I. It's not like I'm dying and if I was, I would not tell her. I feel pain all over my body which is almost like a relief to actually feel something. As I listen to them talk, I can hear Ivan, “why is she not responding to anything we're asking her.”

“My alpha, it's probably because she does not want to respond. She isn't incapable.”

As I feel his hands on around my shoulders, and he shakes me, “Lilly talk Fucking talk stop this baby shit.”

I don't even look at his face, I just look away as he grabs my face roughly to force me to look at him. My eyes are lifeless. I see nothing, just a shell of a man who is a monster. I watch as he gets frustrated and storms off, I'm so grateful that he is gone.

I have lost all compassion, there is none left in me. As the nurse brings me a menu to choose what food I would like to eat, she places it in front of me with a pencil. I show it no mind,, especially because I am not hungry. As I look at the pencil, all I think about is shoving it into my already broken heart. Wanting to just feel nothing.

I hear the door open and footsteps coming towards me, I don't bother to move to see who it is. As they come around me, I notice it is Jayden. He crawls up beside me and sticks his head on my shoulder, “Lilly, they want me to trick you into talking. I'm sorry they hurt you.” 

He kisses my forehead and puts his little head on my shoulder. I can't help but to let tears fall as my heart still loves this little boy. I can not hate him or never want to speak to him. But for now, I softly place my head on top of his and just stare out the window. Watching the birds, wishing that I could just fly away from here.