Rejected Mate and Following Fate

It's been around eleven days since I left the valley, and I can honestly say, it's finally beginning to get easier in some ways, but not all. I was a fool to believe it wouldn't be hard, on so many levels, and I still can't get my head around my own naivety. Knowing then what I do now, I don't think I would have left at all.

It's not just the survival factor that gets to you, it's the isolation, the loneliness, the living in constant high alert as you have to be aware of all that is around you, and the gnawing fear that sits in your gut hour after hour. I'm on edge, hyper-aware at all times, and mentally exhausted with it. Unable to ever really stop watching my back, and surroundings, always listening to make sure I'm safe, and afraid of even the tiniest of noises or movement near me. There are so many enemies in nature that I was oblivious to when living in the mountain bubble.

I rarely sleep, so tuned into the noises of the forests, and gulleys, and caverns, I have walked through in recent days. Always listening for something to come out of the shadows at me, and have endless dreams when I do, of vampires and monsters pulling me from my tiny crawl spaces before devouring my helpless body. Every time I'm paralyzed with the same useless inadequacy as that day in the orphanage, and completely unable to defend myself. I see Sierra often in my dreams too, my infrequent naps, and that repetitive sentence she utters on her breath which always wakes me with a start. Always the same damn thing.

"Save us."

I don't understand why she haunts me still, and can only imagine it has to do with my broken heart, and the dregs of Colton in my memory banks, that get through the steel door I'm trying to force them behind. She was one of our last conversations and maybe that's why she plays so heavily on my mind.

The first few days were the worst and thankfully behind me now, and I think it finally sunk in what I was actually doing. The first night, looking for shelter, eating Doritos I had hastily packed in my backpack for supper, and trying to find a comfy way to lie in a shallow hard floored dug out on a hillside that barely concealed me. It was a shock to my system; having come from a lifetime of shelter and home cooked meals I took for granted. Even being myself all those years, I was never alone, or without food and a roof over my head, whereas now here I am, truly in solitude.

I didn't sleep at all at first, everything swirling in my head and the cravings for not just Colton, but Meadow, the sub pack, my room in the pack house, and the safety of the valley. It was all crying out to me, reminding me that I was barely grown and only newly turned and still so vulnerable in so many ways. I sobbed so much in the first few days, I thought it would break me and send me running back with my tail between my legs, but it didn't.

and no chance they picked up my scent to track me, because quite frankly, they would have caught up with me already if anyone's been looking. I stuck to the

can still the see the mountain in the far distance as it gets further away with every day I trek, but I'm probably not even as far as I think I am. It just seems so much further because I took so long to get here. I'm afraid to turn in daylight, in case I'm seen, afraid to travel at night in case I

could get any harder mentally, my heart already breaking with the need to see another person, or hear another voice, I was side swiped by

it out, breaking every bone in its way. I crumbled to the ground, gasping for breath, every part of my rib cage, lungs, and core, slicing in agony, unable to catch air within me. Clawing at the ground

mud, clutching my chest and wailing like a wounded animal, as tears flooded my vision and my brain

ultimate betrayal, the severing of my soul, and the only thing I could connect it to was Colton. The only logical answer to something so all-consuming, and yet for no obvious reason to its sudden happening. He must

which he couldn't have,

Carmen and marking

be that; nothing else can compare to this agony! The thing they taught us about in school, about carrying that heartache when your fated mate destroys the bond. It all makes sense and for days after, fighting the fatigue and desperation it makes me feel, even still, I barely managed to cover more than couple of miles in total, before breaking down into a crumbling mess and sobbing all over again. It felt like he had taken a knife himself, cut me open wide, and ripped everything out before setting it alight. The emotional devastation was as bad as finding out my entire family was gone when I was just eight years old

run far from the mountain died a death. The reason I was going was primarily to outrun him and what he had to do. To try and not let it get to me, to distance myself from the pain and leave him to walk his own path without me. And yet the fates they delivered a blow that almost stopped me in my tracks completely, killing my will to find

kind of effort under this black cloud, my new constant companion. I walk, I

don't thrive alone, and it's beginning to wear me down slowly. I can't seem to ever really get any clear indication in my life about where I belong, or what I'm meant to