Too Beautiful for the Alpha

The blankets are soft against my skin. Light pours in through the closed shutters, giving a dim warmth to the room, and I feel his arms around me. I feel his shallow breaths just reach the back of my neck. I feel like another version of myself, one that I've never met, but one that takes away the anxiety and sadness that clouded my mind before. I'm still Rae, but I'm Content Rae. I'm Satisfied Rae. I'm Rae who just might be okay in the end.

Right here, in this spot, I feel happy. It's a light, cozy happiness that kisses your cheek in the morning and again before you fall asleep. It's breathless and smells like home. It's a cracked but lush sidewalk, filling up the holes with color and life. It's summer days and nights on the beach, hearing nothing but the waves. Happiness is me and my one true partner acting as a team and not as enemies. It's experiencing my lowest point then my highest, and being able to appreciate it, being able to let the past go.

I was young and angry at my world. My family was broken, my father was dead, a self-hatred grew and devoured me. I was reckless and obsessed at the same time, acting like a fool towards others and revealing the pain only to myself. James knows that I was suffering, he's seen the outcome of years of my convincing. He doesn't have to ask me if I hated myself in the past because as Theresa said, he observes, he reads people, he was a quiet child who had to do it to understand his family. That's what we share, a broken family and years of getting over it. We both have sloppily tried to heal our wounds, but it wasn't until now that I feel the bleeding coming to a stop.

James shifts beside me, holding me tighter. He takes a deep breath as if he's preparing to wake up soon. I slip out of bed and head into the bathroom, feeling a little sore but relaxed overall. Turning to the shower, I step right in and turn it on, letting the cold shock me awake for the second it lasts before becoming warm. I wash my hair and rinse it all out, enjoying the fresh smell of the shampoo when I hear James and feel his hands wrap around me the way I once imagined them. "Good morning," he hums in my ear.

I've never felt so close to someone, so dependent, and so cared for. The trust established between us is permanent and we both understand the vulnerability we've given to each other. We know how it feels to be crossed, and we agreed that those feelings should never be felt again. Since our talk, since he marked me, and since we are fully mated, we've agreed to work as a team. Alpha and Luna.

"Good morning," I mumble back, too focused on his hands to remember where I am.

After our shower and after we've dressed ourselves and brushed ourselves and smiled at each other, we walk downstairs together. Theresa and Gail seem quite surprised and quickly make room for us at the table. "You want the usual?" Gail asks me.

"What's the usual?" James questions and I blush, feeling giddy already. Such little things have become so exciting.

"Pancakes," I say, smiling.

Gail makes some for the both of us, and while bringing forkfuls to my mouth I can't help but keep the smiling act going. The sudden rush of emotions and sensations given to me have sent me overboard. Images come to my mind from last night and just earlier this morning. The feelings run through my body again, my nerves not wanting to forget what it all felt like. A deep wave washes over me, sending a chill up my spine.

I wonder if this is a temporary fix like the alcohol was. I wonder if I'll find myself sobering up any minute only to obsess and nitpick at what we had done last night. Maybe I should hold onto this moment while I can, just in case I am shoved off another cliff. It is a terrifying thought, wondering if Nightmare Rae will come again and lay me down in the bathtub. Needing to get away from such ideas, I fork another bite into my mouth and look up at James. "I'll come with you today, to

I'd hate for you to get upset again if he said

head. "No, I'll be fine. I

is, that I don't remember Rae. I don't remember a time when I was simply me, and that makes my skin curl. If I had to guess, I stopped being Rae after my father's

try and explain these moments to him. It's not for anyone but me, whoever I am today. That is the one thing all of my versions have in common, they understand that these thoughts are to never be shared. It is not because I am embarrassed or dodging the fact that something may be wrong with me, it is

gathering, at the fragile age of sixteen, I had promised myself that I could be happy without a mate. It took me nearly four years to realize that wasn't true. It's possible that I'm one of those people who just need more time than others. Gail and Theresa already know about my incident, and that is as much as they

towards the Eastern borders where his father has been working on the rogue issue. Along the way, James talks about going on runs together, and his desire to converse about more things we can do with each other brings back hits of the lightness I felt earlier. My fear of losing this happiness is holding me back from fully embracing it, but sometime along the

Alpha-mode must take over to keep loyalty. He asks where his father is and one of the three says "he's just through

knows that I must be a strong individual, showing everyone that I am

grouped with more guards, all looking tired, sweaty, and pink. His father sees us right away and excuses himself from the commotion, obviously in charge of the bunch. One or two wolves emerge from the trees, shifting and causing me to swiftly look away, focusing on his father again.

wipes the droplets of sweat from his forehead, glancing at me, knowing I complained. I stand my ground and puff up my chest, not wanting to show the nervousness pumping through me. "Are you sure?" He asks carefully and does not seem normal. He talks as if he is still Alpha, he continues to use the tone of an Alpha, and I'm sure James doesn't appreciate it. "The rogues are starting to leave, yes, but there are still so many to go. Really,

can't? Have you forgotten about the camp problems two years ago that

"You don't have to make up all of this. I know why

for the pack while I've been sick, but we're back on track and are ready to handle everything

by saying, "No. You're right. You do know why

now just to stop him from going overboard, but it's